In this one you are healthy again, you are actually cured, but I don't know how it happened. We are sitting at the kitchen table and talking and laughing. I remember thinking about my previous dream where I saw you and touched you and I thought "that dream must have been real if he is here again and he's healthy". I asked you if you remembered anything that happened when you were sick and you said "Oh yes, I do", and you look very sad. You also remembered exactly when your pain went away, and I think you said it happened when you were in the lake or ocean swimming. You were crying when you thought about this, but they were tears of happiness.

The other part of this dream was that we were invited to go on a horseback riding trip. I think there was a talking dog involved, but this part is pretty fuzzy! No clue what this means!

Today is your one year anniversary. I took a nap, which I never do, out of shear exhaustion.

In this one, I am in a room hanging out with some people. You and my uncle walk in together. You are wearing a baseball hat and smiling. You look healthy, normal, like you used to look, and like I can never remember you since the last two years of your life you were skin and bones. I jumped off the bed and was scared to see you, and I said "What are you doing here, you're not real?" You answered "Well I'm here, aren't I?". You laughed at this and started to leave the room, and I ran out and followed you into the hallway. I reached my hand out and touched your side. You grabbed my hand, laughed really big, and your face got soft and you said "Oh, it is so good to see your face".

I could feel you, which I usually can't in my dreams. Maybe you were real.

In my dream I woke up. I was camping and it was raining, my yellow sheets were in the mud, and even though there were people all around me, no one was helping me. Then I watched someone get killed, but I couldn't tell anyone because I would get into trouble. Then there was a boat race on the shores of the ocean with giant boats like cruise ships and others. What this part of the dream means, is totally beyond me.

In this one I am beside you, helping you a walk. It's winter and at times we pass over frozen rivers, which we have to do fast since the ice is breaking under our feet. This hurts you since you are very weak and tired. You put all of your weight on me as we cross the rivers. You are skinny. I manage to get you to the hospital and I feel so relieved, someone can help you get better now.

Then I wake up, and you are still gone.

Another prompt from my writing group:


The object in my hand was cold, and round. It felt firm- like it has a hard center that is impenetrable to outside forces. However, I could feel the outer layer of skin moving, and with that, I know it was also fragile. Hardened on the inside, fragile on the outside. This object is probably an onion, I thought, as I pinched the stem of rough, dried material on the top. What am I supposed to think about an onion? Well, it can make even the strongest person cry. My eyes flash open and I saw it. This onion before me is no more than layer upon layer of skin, fiber and nutrients. Individually, the layers fall apart- but together they are one, solid mass. The outer layer of skin is deceiving though- its orange, flaky surface might make you think there is only the same underneath. Yet it is not- the layers below are thick and fleshy. They can be cut by a knife- but they will make you pay for it in tears. This onion has strength.

it's amazing what happens when you reach out to people- they reach out right back. once you just put yourself out there and show who you are, you get a response- and it's good. I just had the longest telephone conversation with my grandmother to date- 3:31 minutes. She's not a phone person. But we talked, laughed and reminisced about Jimmy Mazz, the oldies crooner who sang Frank Sinatra for us last Tuesday night at her assisted living home, and about how Passover is coming so it's time to break out a bottle of the Metamusil (orange-flavored, of course). It's just amazing that with the slightest bit of effort, you get the tiniest reward.

I am starting to feel happier...and it feels GREAT!

I am a good person. And because of this, good things will come to me, because I am deserving of these things. If I think in this way, it is easier to know that I can be and deserve to be happy. I will not focus on my faults, for no one is perfect, but rather I must work on the imperfections that still make me deserving of good things. Even though I am not fully in control, if I believe good things will come, then they will.

I am loved, for I am loving, and I will be loved as the only one someday.

here's the thing.

I am unhappy here. could be the lack of social life, could be the lack of available and actually nice men, could be the stress of the job, whatever. whatever it is, something needs to change. I'm not sure if I'll magically be happy somewhere else, but if there is a possibility I need to try.

life. sigh.

It's time to dig deep. Meet each and every person with an eye toward getting to know them on a profoundly personal level. So if you found yesterday to be a bit on the tricky side people-wise, you can relax and forget all about that now. The storm is officially over. It's time to enjoy your surroundings and all those particularly wonderful treats life and all these folks have to offer. And just in time, too!

how strange when you come across something that makes so much sense it's almost as if you it were meant to find you at that exact right time. yesterday actually was a particularly difficult day for some reason unbeknownst to me, which purely exemplifies the underlying problem: I still don't really know myself.

goddamn right it's time to start digging. but how?

I should start writing again.

it's funny how life has it's ups and downs. with every passing day here, it is more obvious to me that I was not ready to come home yet. not that I don't like it here, but I don't feel settled. that and I have yet to meet people that I actually like enough/are around enough for me to want to hang out with. that's the worst part of it. what I can't help thinking to myself, which my sister pointed out, was that this is what it would be like anywhere I went that was new. I've been lucky in the past to move to places where I already had friends or was put in a situation where I could meet people easily. That is not the case here, since the one place I spend the most time (work) is not really a place for me to meet friends.

for now, I am studying for the boards and enjoying something in my every day. for the future, who knows.

If you have gmail, I'm sure you've noticed that the ads they show on each page are directly related to the emails you send/receive.

I just broke up with someone (again). in our last emails to each other, we spoke of what went wrong/how he hurt me, etc, without mentioning the words break-up. this is the ad google posted on that page:

"can't survive a break-up? survive-a-breakup.com- proven ways to survive a breakup without losing your mind".

I'm not sure whether to cry or laugh.